Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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