If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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