my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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