I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
