So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
