Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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