and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
