You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
