I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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