If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
