I wish I could punch you in the face.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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