I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I intend to get homeless drunk
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
