Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
