I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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