shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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