I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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