I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
