The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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