I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
