so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
