I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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