i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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