I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can you bring me the toilet please
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
