My Higher Power is John Stamos
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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