APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
