6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
