My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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