My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
