The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
