why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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