I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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