so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
