Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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