I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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