I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
