Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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