his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
