Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
