Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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