I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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