A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Randomize
