She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize