Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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