it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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