Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I am naked and annoyed.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
