I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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