Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
