I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
