I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
