still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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