I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
