I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
