will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
