Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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