i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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