he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
