I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
